(Reflection written when my grandmother passed, 9 years ago..)
Giancarlo turned 3 years old on May and his great-grandmother could not make it to his Birthday this year. She had been having a problem with a leg pain since last year. In January we found out that She was ill …...with Cancer.
We just did not know how ill she was, or at least we tried to think we did not know how bad could it be. It just could not be because She looks just as strong, wittier, and healthier as always. I guess some how we were in denial. We found out She was stage 4 lymphoma cancer around March.
It seemed so surreal and odd that last year my son was celebrating his 2ndBirthday surrounded by relatives including his great- grandmother. But life is like that isn’t?
One day we are laughing next we are crying, I guess is all about duality. But how do you explain all this logical ideals to a 3-year-old boy who asks you if his Nana is going to die. How do you face the lost of someone you love so deeply?
We just did not know how ill she was, or at least we tried to think we did not know how bad could it be. It just could not be because She looks just as strong, wittier, and healthier as always. I guess some how we were in denial. We found out She was stage 4 lymphoma cancer around March.
It seemed so surreal and odd that last year my son was celebrating his 2ndBirthday surrounded by relatives including his great- grandmother. But life is like that isn’t?
One day we are laughing next we are crying, I guess is all about duality. But how do you explain all this logical ideals to a 3-year-old boy who asks you if his Nana is going to die. How do you face the lost of someone you love so deeply?
Giancarlo knew about my “mami Esthela” because we were constantly talking about her. He met Esthela for the first time when we traveled from Northern California to Ensenada during the Christmas of 2007. Gc was only 7 months but he was very aware and joyful to be embraced by his Great-grandmother.
After that first encounter GC visited with his Great-grandmother in a more regular basis. This year I focused on Giancarlo’s Birthday like if nothing else in the world existed. ( I had just miscarried our dream of having a sibbling for Gc. I was bed ridden for few days feeing the pain of a dream ending too soon. and now my mami with cancer, too much pain to handle) In order to function and being able to take care of my very active 3 year old I told myself over and over than there was nothing I could do to save my grandmother, and that I needed to accept the fact that She was dying.
I seemed to have understood but did I really lost my sense of sensitivity towards the fact I was never, ever again going to talk to her, to hug her. ?NO, I surely did not. I just did not focused on that fact because it was too painful to embrace.. I was just trying to accept that the normal cycle of life ends with death.
Sounds cold but was that or the many years of grievance that anyway hitted me later on. I have been in so much pain for the lost of my recent pregnancy, why could not happy events also be part of my life?? Why did I have to experience the two most loved losses. My grandma was happy about me having another baby, why is she dying of cancer?? She did not have it yesterday, why, wby, why???
I made my mind to be strong and take life as it was. But it was not so easy embracing such a painful part of life.... Not easy at all.
After that first encounter GC visited with his Great-grandmother in a more regular basis. This year I focused on Giancarlo’s Birthday like if nothing else in the world existed. ( I had just miscarried our dream of having a sibbling for Gc. I was bed ridden for few days feeing the pain of a dream ending too soon. and now my mami with cancer, too much pain to handle) In order to function and being able to take care of my very active 3 year old I told myself over and over than there was nothing I could do to save my grandmother, and that I needed to accept the fact that She was dying.
I seemed to have understood but did I really lost my sense of sensitivity towards the fact I was never, ever again going to talk to her, to hug her. ?NO, I surely did not. I just did not focused on that fact because it was too painful to embrace.. I was just trying to accept that the normal cycle of life ends with death.
Sounds cold but was that or the many years of grievance that anyway hitted me later on. I have been in so much pain for the lost of my recent pregnancy, why could not happy events also be part of my life?? Why did I have to experience the two most loved losses. My grandma was happy about me having another baby, why is she dying of cancer?? She did not have it yesterday, why, wby, why???
I made my mind to be strong and take life as it was. But it was not so easy embracing such a painful part of life.... Not easy at all.
The few months previously to my grandmother passing away the trips to Mexico seemed all the same as always, as if she was not ill.. We all sat and talked to her, she laughed, ate, huged us and gave us blessings. We knew She was having some struggles with her wrist and leg, but almost nothing apparent..... Almost from one week to another my grandmother got to his final week on this Earth.
Giancarlo and I packed our luggage with body oils and cds with chants and relaxing music. We wanted to make it if possible less painful and the most comfortable experience we could for my grandmother.
So how did Giancarlo realized the whole process of death was by experience?
One of those experiences that maybe I could have prevented from him to feel, but I did not want to because If I did was like me denying that suffering exists and I did not want to teach my son that life is all steady and smooth. He needed to know that the same way we laugh and enjoy we also mourned.
Giancarlo and I packed our luggage with body oils and cds with chants and relaxing music. We wanted to make it if possible less painful and the most comfortable experience we could for my grandmother.
So how did Giancarlo realized the whole process of death was by experience?
One of those experiences that maybe I could have prevented from him to feel, but I did not want to because If I did was like me denying that suffering exists and I did not want to teach my son that life is all steady and smooth. He needed to know that the same way we laugh and enjoy we also mourned.
The 3 previous days of my grandmother Esthela with us we learned so many lessons. Presence was more important than presents. Esthela was going to be celebrating her Birthday number 87, but she could not hold a gift or breathe... She was agonizing for oxigen..... she could not take a gift, she could not blow candles, eat cake..... We all were trying to uplift her, hold tight to her life for a little longer......She was done with the material world.
Her last words were “Thank you all for being her”. For be- ing there, present in the moment.
Giancarlo helped me to rub my mommy Esthela with oils and with kind words He will ask,” if the oil felt good”. By doing that ritual every day I was hoping to distract my mommy from the pain she was enduring.
I mean seeing her struggling for the Oxigen that we all breath efortless was the most painful experience I ever endured. The oxigen that few months ago she still was able to breath now was no longer there. Her eyes asking desperatly, she telling me she wanted air, it was way too painful.
Chanting and rubbing the oils gave me the feeling of humbleness of serving her and Giancarlo was learning all about it too.
If I prevented him learning about his Nana death, I would have taken from Giancarlo the amazing experience he learned by seeing all this human being gathering together trying to make my mommy Esthela last moments more comfortable.....
So if someone asked me, how do you talk, teach your toddler about death? I would say with the experience.... Let him embrace what is happening because is unavoidable and the lessons learned from the experience are priceless.
Her last words were “Thank you all for being her”. For be- ing there, present in the moment.
Giancarlo helped me to rub my mommy Esthela with oils and with kind words He will ask,” if the oil felt good”. By doing that ritual every day I was hoping to distract my mommy from the pain she was enduring.
I mean seeing her struggling for the Oxigen that we all breath efortless was the most painful experience I ever endured. The oxigen that few months ago she still was able to breath now was no longer there. Her eyes asking desperatly, she telling me she wanted air, it was way too painful.
Chanting and rubbing the oils gave me the feeling of humbleness of serving her and Giancarlo was learning all about it too.
If I prevented him learning about his Nana death, I would have taken from Giancarlo the amazing experience he learned by seeing all this human being gathering together trying to make my mommy Esthela last moments more comfortable.....
So if someone asked me, how do you talk, teach your toddler about death? I would say with the experience.... Let him embrace what is happening because is unavoidable and the lessons learned from the experience are priceless.
When my mami finally took her last breath. I thought I needed to go home, I felt sick of tbe pain inside me. My brothers, sister, mother, uncles, neighbors, everybody was in pain. I did not wanted to go to the funeral, I was trying for all to be strong, I wanted to go home and cry, instead we were there.... After the funeral I thought the same about not going to mass but we were there, and also we were there when she was buried.
How to miss such a moment when in between the sobbing and crying of all of us the adults, Giancarlo starts singing a made up song about the whole process of my mami not being here with us “ Mi nana, ya se fue al cielo, su cuerpo estå aqui en la tierra pero su espiritu estå en el cielo. A mi Nana ya no le duele la pierna, ya no sufre mås. Ya se fue con su pelo largo”. Giancarlo song was a reassurance for all of us who were crying the lost.
It was like a break through confirmation of my mommy Esthela Death of her body but awakening of her spirit.
Last year my mommy Esthela was celebrating Giancarlo’s 2ndBirthday. This year we were with her celebrating her awakening to a new life. The pain has been unavoidable but now Giancarlo and I know that death and life are to be equally embraced.
How to miss such a moment when in between the sobbing and crying of all of us the adults, Giancarlo starts singing a made up song about the whole process of my mami not being here with us “ Mi nana, ya se fue al cielo, su cuerpo estå aqui en la tierra pero su espiritu estå en el cielo. A mi Nana ya no le duele la pierna, ya no sufre mås. Ya se fue con su pelo largo”. Giancarlo song was a reassurance for all of us who were crying the lost.
It was like a break through confirmation of my mommy Esthela Death of her body but awakening of her spirit.
Last year my mommy Esthela was celebrating Giancarlo’s 2ndBirthday. This year we were with her celebrating her awakening to a new life. The pain has been unavoidable but now Giancarlo and I know that death and life are to be equally embraced.
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