How do you talk to your 3 year old about death?

(Reflection written when my grandmother passed, 9 years ago..)

Giancarlo turned 3 years old on May and his great-grandmother could not make it to his Birthday this year. She had been having a problem with a leg pain since last year.  In January we found out that She was ill …...with Cancer.

We just did not know how ill she was, or at least we tried to think we did not know how bad could it be. It just could not be because She looks just as strong, wittier, and healthier as always. I guess some how we were in denial. We found out She was stage 4  lymphoma cancer around March.

It seemed so surreal and odd that last year my son was celebrating his 2^ndBirthday surrounded by relatives including his great- grandmother. But life is like that isn’t?

 One day we are laughing next we are crying, I guess is all about duality. But how do you explain all this logical ideals to a 3-year-old boy who asks you if his Nana is going to die. How do you face the lost of someone you love so deeply?

Giancarlo knew about my “mami Esthela” because we were constantly talking about her. He met Esthela for the first time when we traveled from Northern California to Ensenada during the Christmas of 2007. Gc was only 7 months but he was very aware and joyful to be embraced by his Great-grandmother.

After that first encounter GC visited with his Great-grandmother in a more regular basis.  This year I focused on Giancarlo’s Birthday like if nothing else in the world existed. ( I had just miscarried our dream of having a sibbling for Gc. I was bed ridden for few days feeing the pain of a dream ending too soon. and now my mami with cancer, too much pain to handle)  In order to function and being able to take care of my very active 3 year old I told myself over and over than there was nothing I could do to save my grandmother, and that I needed to accept the fact that She was dying.

 I seemed to have understood but did I really lost my sense of sensitivity towards the fact I was never, ever again going to talk to her, to hug her. ?NO, I surely did not. I just did not focused on that fact  because it was too painful to embrace.. I was just trying to accept that the normal cycle of life ends with death.

Sounds cold but was that or the many years of grievance that anyway hitted me later on.  I have been in so much pain for the lost of my recent pregnancy,  why could not happy events also be part of my life?? Why did I have to experience the two most loved losses. My grandma was happy about me having another baby, why is she dying of cancer?? She did not have it yesterday, why, wby, why???

 I made my mind to be strong and take life as it was. But it was not so easy embracing such a painful part of life.... Not easy at all. 

The few months previously to my grandmother passing away the trips to Mexico seemed all the same as always, as if she was not ill.. We all sat and talked to her, she laughed, ate, huged us and gave us blessings. We knew She was having some struggles with her wrist and leg, but almost nothing apparent..... Almost from one week to another my grandmother got to his final week on this Earth.

Giancarlo and I packed our luggage with body oils and cds with chants and relaxing music. We wanted to make it if possible less painful and the most comfortable experience we could for my grandmother.

 So how did Giancarlo realized the whole process of death was by experience?

One of those experiences that maybe I could have prevented from him to feel, but I did not want to because If I did was like me denying that suffering exists and I did not want to teach my son that life is all steady and smooth. He needed to know that the same way we laugh and enjoy we also mourned.  

The 3 previous days of my grandmother Esthela with us we learned so many lessons. Presence was more important than presents. Esthela was going to be celebrating her Birthday number 87, but she could not hold a gift or breathe... She was agonizing for oxigen..... she could not take a gift, she could not blow candles, eat cake..... We all were trying to uplift her, hold tight to her life for a little longer......She was done with the material world.

Her last words were “Thank you all for being her”. For be- ing there, present in the moment.

Giancarlo helped me to rub my mommy Esthela with oils and with kind words  He will ask,” if the oil felt good”. By doing that ritual every day I was hoping to distract my mommy from the pain she was enduring.

I mean seeing her struggling for the Oxigen that we all breath efortless was the most painful experience I ever endured.  The oxigen that few months ago she still was able to breath now was no longer there. Her eyes asking desperatly, she telling me she wanted air, it was way too painful.

Chanting and rubbing the oils gave me the feeling of humbleness of serving her  and Giancarlo was learning all about it too.

 If I prevented him  learning about his Nana death, I would have taken from Giancarlo the amazing experience he learned by seeing all this human being gathering together trying to make my mommy Esthela last moments more comfortable.....

So if someone asked me, how do you talk, teach your toddler about death? I would say with the experience.... Let him embrace what is happening because is unavoidable and the lessons learned from the experience are priceless.

When my mami finally took her last breath. I thought I needed to go home, I felt sick of tbe pain inside me. My brothers, sister, mother, uncles, neighbors, everybody was in pain.  I did not wanted to go to the funeral, I was trying for all to be strong, I wanted to go home and cry, instead  we were there.... After the funeral I thought the same about not going to mass but we were there, and also we were there when she was buried.

How to miss such a moment when in between the sobbing and crying of all of us the adults, Giancarlo starts singing a made up song about the whole process of my mami not being here with us “ Mi nana, ya se fue al cielo, su cuerpo estå aqui en la tierra pero su espiritu estå en el cielo.  A mi Nana ya no le duele la pierna, ya no sufre mås. Ya se fue con su pelo largo”. Giancarlo song was a reassurance for all of us who were crying the lost.

It was like a break through confirmation of my mommy Esthela Death of her body but awakening of her spirit.

 Last year my mommy Esthela was celebrating Giancarlo’s 2^ndBirthday. This year we were with her celebrating her awakening to a new life. The pain has been unavoidable but now Giancarlo and I know that death and life are to be equally embraced.

How do you teach Non-Violence in times of War?

Since my son was a year old, I have been talking to him about the word “no peleamos” (we do not fight).  As we  have joined a variety of playgroups he has learned that we indeed do not fight but other kids do. He has learn that we share but other kids do not. It is so refreshing when we meet kids who are talkative and playful, rather than aggressive and unfriendly. We love meeting kids who are ready to play, talk and share because is what we have been doing for the past 11 years. 

 When Gc was a toddler, he got pushed, kicked, or hit by kids that thought it was ok to do so and parents who ignored the bad behavior of their children.  Often, the parents of the aggressive child were there to reprimand their children behavior. Sometimes they just ignored it as if they were tired of the constant “don’t do that”, “that is not nice”, “please say sorry”. Regardless of the constant “aggressive incidents towards our child”,  my husband and I decided that we wanted to continue teaching Giancarlo Non-violence. 

We taught him to place his hands up front when someone was about to hit him and yelled “No, that is not right”.  

With time my son seemed comfortable with the idea that he had a tool to protect himself against all those children that approached him with intentions of hitting him .

In the other hand, as he grew-up, he had decided not to only stop the kids who are hitting him, but he also started mimicking the behavior and hitting back. How can you just remain passive to someone hitting you in order to be non-violent? I guess our son figured out he needed to defense himself. Moving forward 11 years later, he is been taking jiujitsu classes for self-defense and I have mixed emotions.
He is there learning all this lessons on being friendly, kind, nice that he already knew from me while also using strength to defend from any possible attackers. I wish If we continue with our Path of Yoga and meditation but there is a time when kids decide which classes take and which not. Jiujitsu was GC's choice.

  How do I teach Non- violence in a country where every day seems to be a topic related to prejudice against one group or an argument about who gets rights and who does not?.  How do you teach Non-violence in a world that historically has chosen war over peace to solve conflicts? There is so much humans disagree upon, and violence seems where this all ends. 

In my 11 years as a mother, I  have noticed kids playing with guns at the early age of two. Children also point at each other with their hands as if there are shooting each other. 

 How do you avoid violence if the Happiest Place on Earth, Disneyland, offers you the so popular attraction Buzz Lightyear Astro Blaster where children and adult can use an Astro Blaster laser gun to shoot the enemies?

 Movies for children seem not to be able to avoid violence. SO “ violencia” (violence)is another word that Giancarlo learned by age 3 . Some days I told myself; 
“In a way is good that Giancarlo knows to distinguish between violence and kindness. Always intending that he chooses to be kind. But how do you avoid being violent when everything around tells you that it is Ok to be? From the Power-Rangers to Turtle Ninjas to Tom and Jerry, Star Wars, and many other programs that children watch. I guess we just have to keep telling him over and over "No violencia" by practicing and showing him the consequences of fights and war.

When Giancarlo was a toddler was only exposed to Baby Einstein and educational videos; but as he grew older, talked to neighbors and we all fell into the marketing trap. He began to be  more interested in children movies like “Cars”,  “Ice Age”, “Nemo”, “ Happy feet” which I though are so cute but within all of them have some kind of violence. I know our son could not have chosen to see these movies at 2 and ½ years old. Actually, as parents we exposed him to what we believed was designed for children but actually should not. We should not create videos and movies with the goal of bullying, hitting or killing someone while "playing". 

Some people believe that we, as parents, cannot keep children in a bubble, we cannot hide them from the reality that is happening in the world and it is true. But could the programs and movies for children avoid the inclusion of violent scenes? yes.. They could. The whole industry could start teaching moral and ethics through their productions. Maybe will not be as profitable, and that perhaps is the reason they only create few educational programs that focus in ethics.

We  adults,unconsciously or not are already used to “some type of action, some type of exhilarating moment so we continue watching those kinds of movies that are filled with killing, but why?. If we know that movies that have acts of violence are just reinforcing kids the hitting, kicking, fighting behavior. It is my theory that we are so indoctrinated on we must see the latest movie, that we don't question, what would I learn from it? Is inspiring or is going to show me a way of living that is ethical? I guess adults do not question a lot of things, period. Our culture rather watching something obscure and daunting than something that makes us more spiritual beings.

Although we are living in times when the entire world seems to be at War. Although hate can be experienced every day, I still believe in Non-violence and Peace.

  I  believe that we could teach our children to defend themselves at the same time that they can continue being kind, generous, respectful of others. We can still teach that living in a non-violent world is a choice we make. We converse and play, or we bully others and fight them.